Ask Miriam – September 2023
Dear Miriam,
I have been taking care of my mother for six years and am getting very frustrated. In the beginning, when she was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, she was still pretty independent. Though she doesn’t drive due to an eye condition, I only needed to go over a couple times a week to take her grocery shopping and to the beauty parlor. But she has been having trouble recently with maintaining her hygiene and eating regularly. She can’t do laundry, or take proper care of the cat, and I worry all the time about her being alone. I have talked to her about hiring in-home help, but she is absolutely against it. Once I went ahead and hired someone anyway, and my mother would not let her in the door. I cannot go to her house any more frequently than I already do, and my mother needs help. I am at my wits’ end. What can I do?
—Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
I’m so glad you wrote in. What you are going through is, unfortunately, very common. As dementia progresses, it can be difficult to ensure that your parent is getting the level of care that they need, especially when they are used to being independent.
One thing to remember is that your mother is used to her routines and her environment being a certain way, and they bring her comfort and reassurance. Introducing a new person into her life could feel very scary for her. She may also not realize that she is having more trouble with her own self-care at this point. It is very common for someone with dementia to lose insight into her own abilities.
There are a few ways you may be able to approach this challenge. It is important to begin by assuring her you are there to support her, and that you want to make her life more manageable. A possible option is to hire someone she already knows, such as a friend, neighbor, or relative. This may ease the transition. Another thought is that, rather than confront her with the fact that she needs more care, you might introduce the idea of having a daily housekeeper, or a driver. Perhaps you can let her know that since you are not always available to take her places, this would be a great convenience for her.
Once you do hire a caregiver, whether it’s someone you know or someone from an agency, be sure to explain the situation to them so that they will be sensitive to and respectful of your mother’s feelings and level of understanding. You will need to be there at your mother’s home to let them in and introduce them. Make sure to be there with them both for the first few days until your mother gets more comfortable. Arrange some fun activities for while the caregiver is there and allow their relationship to develop. Your mother may complain at first, and you can acknowledge her concerns without changing your course of action.
Don’t forget to get some support for yourself. It is not easy to care for a parent with dementia. You may want to seek out and join a support group for caregivers, confide in a friend, or consider counseling. There will be many challenges along the way but be confident that you are doing the very best you can in meeting your mother’s changing needs.
For more information, visit the How to Hire Help in the Home page or call the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.