Ask Miriam – October 2024
Dear Miriam,
I am an only child, and my parents live in another state. My mother, who is 85, has dementia and is getting more confused by the day. When I talk to her on the phone, I don’t think she always knows who I am. And my dad, who is 86 years old himself, is healthy mentally and physically, but I know it’s getting hard for him to be responsible for all the household activities, like meals, and shopping, and bill-paying. I think it would be a lot easier for both of them if they moved to an assisted living where he would have more support and people to help with my mom, especially since I know her dementia will keep getting worse. I haven’t said anything to him yet, but I am investigating the possibilities, and I’m not sure if it would be better for them to stay in the same area where they live now, or to move to a facility closer to me, where I can be more available. What do you think?
—Son Seeking Answers
Dear Seeking,
It’s never easy making these kinds of decisions, but I can see how thoughtfully you are looking at the options to ensure that both your mom and dad have the care and support they need. And, of course, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. But let’s examine the benefits and drawbacks of whether to stay in their city or move to yours.
People with dementia often do best in places that they already know. Your mom’s current home and neighborhood are familiar to her. You may want to assess, though, how active she is currently. If she rarely leaves home, a new city may not make as much of a difference.
Another factor is your dad’s wellbeing. He is aging, too, and the stress of caregiving can take a toll. It’s important to have a conversation with him about what his thoughts and feelings are about living closer to you or staying local. If long-time friends are no longer nearby, or available to provide support, then being close to you, his adult child, may have much more meaning to him.
Also think about how involved you want to be in your parents’ care. Do you want to be more hands-on in their lives? Or would you be just as comfortable supervising from a distance? Technology such as zoom, ring cameras, and other communication devices may help make that process easier.
Consider the quality of care of assisted living facilities in each city. Is there a place in either city that specializes in dementia care? Cost is a factor, too. Ultimately, there is no right or wrong decision. Whether staying in the same town or moving, your mom and dad will still go through a period of adjustment to the changes in their immediate environment and to living in a facility, wherever that is located.
Feel confident that you are making your best effort to help them with this next stage of their lives, and remember to get some support for yourself, too, whether that is sharing with a friend, attending a caregiver support group, or seeking out a professional to talk to.
For more information about assisted living and moving with a person with dementia, contact the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.