Ask Miriam – November 2024
Dear Miriam,
I live with and care for my grandmother, who seems like she has been having cognitive issues this past year. She is 79, and I’m 24. My father (her son) and mother moved to Florida recently, and my aunts and uncles are not very involved with my grandmother, only visiting rarely. I’ve been living with her throughout college to help with yardwork and errands and to save money. Now, though, my grandmother, who is usually so sweet and kind, has been getting angry with me for seemingly no reason, and if I bring it up to her, she denies that she ever said anything. She used to cook, but recently she said she doesn’t know any recipes and will only use the microwave. And I don’t think she’s showering every day; a lot of times, she wears her clothes to bed. I love her, but I also want my own life and to live on my own. How can I leave her when she is like this?
—Loving Grandson
Dear Grandson,
I can see how much you have been doing to help and support your grandmother, and that speaks to your own character. However, the situation you are describing also sounds like it is becoming unsustainable, and there might be some realistic options for both of you.
The changes in your grandmother’s behavior, including anger, declining ability to manage her hygiene, and having trouble remembering how to cook are all potential symptoms of dementia. People with dementia often become frustrated when they can’t make sense of their environment or routine which can lead to outbursts, withdrawal, or unusual behavior. However, only a doctor can make a proper diagnosis.
In balancing your own life and your grandmother’s care, remember that you do not need to shoulder this alone. Talk to your parents. Explain how much things have changed. Encourage them to visit. If she is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or another dementia, your family will need to think about what her future care will look like.
You mentioned that your aunts and uncles aren’t very involved, but now may be the time to ask them to step up. Even if they can’t provide direct care, they may be able to contribute financially or help with coordination. Ask your parents to support you in speaking with them and helping you connect with resources, such as professional in-home care or an assisted living facility.
It’s normal to want to live independently at your age. Once more support is in place, and you move out, you might feel less overwhelmed and your relationship with her may improve. Moving out doesn’t mean abandoning your grandmother. You will be able to visit regularly while also focusing on your career, friendships, and future.
I hope that sharing your concerns and ensuring that your grandmother receives a medical assessment will alleviate some of the burden you are under right now. For more information on being a young caregiver, as well as diagnostic options, call the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.