Ask Miriam – November 2023
Dear Miriam,
My wife, who is only 65, was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. I knew that she had been forgetting things more and more often, but I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until I went with her to the neurologist. The doctor said that she was getting progressively worse, and that it was no longer safe for her to drive. He even made a report to the Department of Motor Vehicles, which I was not expecting. My wife was very upset; she feels certain that she is still a good driver. It’s been a few days now, and although she hasn’t tried to drive, she has also been staying in bed most of the day, snapping at me when I say anything to her. We each have our own car, and she refuses to talk about how we are going to manage as a one-car family. I’m a little nervous that I’m going to have to spend hours transporting her around. What do I do next?
—Uneasy chauffeur
Dear Uneasy,
I’m so sorry to hear that you and your wife are going through this. It is often an incredibly difficult transition when a person with Alzheimer’s or another dementia is told that they can no longer drive. Driving is frequently a symbol of independence and losing that can be very upsetting.
Due to the way that dementia affects the brain, a person who is diagnosed will eventually not have the necessary judgement and insight that are needed for driving. It is important to keep both your wife and the community around you safe.
It sounds like right now your wife does not understand why it would be dangerous for her to continue driving, and she may not have the capacity to really understand the impact of Alzheimer’s on her abilities. It might be better to focus on the ways in which you and other people in your lives can help her and make her comfortable.
Instead of trying to handle all the transportation yourself, try engaging friends, relatives, and neighbors to commit to taking her shopping or out on errands. Then, let her know that you recognize how hard this is for her, and tell her how you have figured out how to get her anywhere she needs to go. If you need more options, she can also utilize Lyft or Uber, and you can be the designated contact person on the apps for those ride services.
Allow her to express her feelings of sadness, anger, or fear that she can no longer drive. It’s not your fault, even if she blames you. And it’s okay if she says she IS going to drive. You don’t have to argue about it, but do put into place ways to create a safe environment behind the scenes. A good idea would be to sell or remove her car so that she can no longer see it. You will need to remain careful of your own car keys so that she does not find them and attempt to drive. It may also be necessary to put a lock on the steering wheel of your car that she does not have the code for.
Expect that it will take some time until she gets used to this new reality. And make sure to take care of yourself, too. Being a caregiver is not an easy journey. A support group or a friend who is willing to listen can help. For additional information about driving and dementia, please contact the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259 or view our Caregiver Tip Video, episode 14: Driving.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.