Ask Miriam – May 2024
Dear Miriam,
My dad is 80 and lives alone. He and my mother divorced many years ago, and I’m the one who lives nearby although I have two older sisters who are out of state. Right now, my biggest concern is that I think he is not making very good decisions, and he is getting more and more forgetful. He doesn’t use email or even have a computer, but every time someone calls on the phone for a donation, he gives them money, and he doesn’t remember that he already did the same thing last week. I am really worried that many people have his credit card number. I’m afraid of identity theft, and I’m also afraid of his getting scammed out of all the savings he has worked so hard for over the years. When I remind him not to give away any more money, he agrees in the moment, but then he forgets. What can I do?
—Concerned Son
Dear Concerned,
I can see how much you care for your dad and dealing with a parent’s gradual decline, especially when it impacts their cognition, can be incredibly challenging. It is important, though, to try to take steps to protect him, his health, and his financial security.
It is possible your dad is in the early stages of dementia, or he may have some other medical condition that is affecting his memory and his thinking. See if he will agree to a doctor visit for a check-up. Let him know that Medicare pays for yearly visits, and that it will reassure you that he is healthy. You can alert the doctor privately beforehand of your concerns, in a call or an email, so that your dad can be assessed. Early detection will allow you and your family to better make plans for the future.
With or without a diagnosis, it is important to work with your dad on assigning someone as his power-of-attorney to make decisions about finances and healthcare if he is ever unable to. It’s a good idea for all adults, including you, to complete the forms and decide who will be their decision-maker if they are unable to make decisions for themselves. Suggest that the two of you go together to a lawyer (an elder law attorney is recommended) and both of you can set that up for yourselves.
There are also some specific things that you can do now to help your dad better manage his money, and to allow you some oversight without him feeling that you are taking over. For example, you can set up automatic payments for his regular bills. You may also see if he would be willing to add your name to his account, so that you can monitor any unusual transactions. Remind him that it is important for everyone to have a back-up system.
Encourage your dad to read about how to identify and avoid scams and provide him with resources and information. Tips such as not answering calls from unknown numbers, and never giving a credit card number over the phone are critical. Make sure to be patient when you are talking to him. Be willing to repeat yourself if needed. And don’t forget to get some support for yourself. Talking to a friend can help with the stress of navigating these changes.
For more information and resources regarding dementia and legal issues, finances, and fraud, watch our Legal Planning video (episode 7) or call the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.