Ask Miriam – March 2025
Dear Miriam,
I am a daughter-in-law who is taking care of my husband’s mother. She has dementia and lives with us. I’m her 24/7 caregiver; my husband works incredibly long hours and is rarely home to help. I am completely overwhelmed and exhausted as I have to keep my eye on her constantly. She is still mobile but does things like turn on the stove and leave it on, wanders around the house at night or tries to go outside, and she complains bitterly about anything I do to try to help. I also lost my own mother last year; it was sudden, and I am still grieving, which doesn’t help the situation. The one good thing in my life right now is my new granddaughter, but I don’t have the time or energy to enjoy her. I have suggested assisted living or memory care for my mother-in-law, but the rest of her family won’t hear of it, including my husband. I don’t think they realize how incredibly stressful this is for me. I feel trapped and have even considered leaving my husband and getting a divorce in order to escape the situation. Please help.
—Feeling Trapped
Dear Trapped,
I’m so sorry that this has been such a difficult time for you. The first thing to do is to acknowledge that you cannot do this alone – and you shouldn’t have to. While it is understandable that the family would like to keep your mother-in-law at home, with you as the sole caregiver, it is essential that they understand that caring for someone with dementia is a team effort.
Clearly the current situation is unsustainable. Would it be possible to have an honest and private conversation with your husband? Explain to him the level of stress and burnout you are experiencing, and that it’s not that you don’t care about his mother, but that you are simply not able to continue this way, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
You can also meet together with a social worker or therapist. It may be helpful to have a professional explain to him the impossible bind that caregiving has created for you. Once your husband is able to see that, he may be able to support you in your efforts to create a situation where other family members or professionals step in to help care for his mother.
Whether it is bringing paid caregivers into the home, having your mother-in-law attend an adult day care, or placing your mother-in-law in assisted living or memory care, you will need to set the boundary, hopefully with your husband’s support, that you are no longer going to care for her alone, or, perhaps, even at all. I recognize that that will not be an easy thing to do.
With that in mind, it is critically important that you get additional support for yourself. I suggest individual counseling to help you work through the feelings related to your marriage and your husband’s family, as well as providing you with a safe space to decide how to express yourself. A support group of other caregivers may also be helpful.
Even though we are unable to control how other people will respond to the boundaries we set, know that you are not abandoning your mother-in-law. You are simply ensuring that everyone’s needs are met, including yours. For more information on coping with families and caregiving, contact the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.