Ask Miriam – March 2024
Dear Miriam,
I am 68 years old and I have one sister, who is 13 years older than me. She was more like a mother to me as I was growing up, and when she was diagnosed with first Parkinson’s disease, and then Alzheimer’s disease, I retired from my job to take care of her. But her long journey is finally almost over. She is on hospice now and hasn’t spoken at all for the last several weeks. What will I do when she is gone? I don’t have children or grandchildren, and I’m long divorced. I do have another sibling, a brother, who is also much older than me, but we are not close. I already miss my sister so much, and I feel like my life will be empty without her. Please help.
—Empty
Dear Empty,
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. The impending loss of someone you love and have cared for with such devotion is heartbreaking, and understandably you are filled with grief and uncertainty. Try to be kind to yourself and know that you will need time to adjust to a new reality when she passes away. I know it can seem unreal at first, and while right now there is grief and fear, these may give way to a feeling of numbness.
Painful as it is, grieving is a natural and necessary process. Allow yourself to feel however it is that you feel, and that may change over time, or even day-to-day or hour-to-hour. You may experience sadness, anger, loneliness, and even relief that her suffering has come to an end. These are all normal.
It’s also important not to isolate yourself. You do not have to go through this alone. Reach out to your friends, even ones that you may not have been in as close touch with while you were caring for your sister. Bereavement support groups, both in-person and online, are places where you can talk to others who have lost a loved one. In addition, consider whether you would benefit from individual therapy. Many people do when they have experienced a loss.
Think about some things that you used to enjoy before you became a caregiver. What are some things that you have always wanted to do but have never had the time or opportunity? Think about exploring new interests, hobbies, or volunteering opportunities that might bring you joy and fulfillment. While your sister has been a central part of your life, there are still countless possibilities awaiting you beyond your caregiving role. Take this time to rediscover yourself and embrace the opportunities that lie ahead.
Remember, your sister would want you to live a happy and fulfilling life even in her absence. Honor her memory by cherishing the time you had together and finding purpose in each new day. And know that you’re not alone. There are countless others who have walked a similar path and are ready to offer support and companionship along the way.
For more information on healing from the loss of a loved one with dementia, call the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259, or watch our Caregiver Tips Video episode 18: Grief.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.