Ask Miriam – June 2023
Dear Miriam,
I am taking care of my mother, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, and I am heartbroken over how much she has declined. I live with her and work from home, but it has become increasingly difficult to cope with the odd ways in which she is acting, though I realize these are symptoms of her dementia. She repeatedly needs help with turning on the TV, feeds the dog multiple times a day, and has left the stove on more than once. But the worst thing recently is that she doesn’t even recognize that I am her son, and she gets angry at me and shouts at me to get out of her house. I am at a loss as to what to do in this situation, and I know I shouldn’t, but I feel rejected and hurt.
—Sad Son
Dear Son,
I’m truly sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are facing with your mother’s Alzheimer’s disease. Please know that you are not alone, and many others have faced similar challenges.
First and foremost, as you mentioned, your mother’s behavior is a symptom of her illness and not a reflection of her true feelings towards you. Alzheimer’s disease affects memory and cognition, leading to confusion and disorientation. Your mother’s inability to recognize you is a result of the disease’s progression.
As much as you can, remain patient and empathetic. Your mother’s reality may be different from yours, and expressing frustration or anger may only worsen the situation. Try to maintain a calm environment in the house by reducing loud noises, clutter, or any other potential stressors that could contribute to her confusion.
As Alzheimer’s disease progresses, it is very normal to need to increase the level of supervision, and it sounds like your mother will need to be watched closely when she is in the kitchen in order to keep her safe. Since she is having trouble with everyday tasks, it may help to make some changes in the home. Perhaps you can move the dog food to a place where she doesn’t have access to it, in order to prevent overfeeding, and use a visual cue to help her turn on the TV, such as taping a note on the remote control that says “press here.”
Don’t forget to seek support for yourself. Caring for a loved one with dementia can be emotionally challenging. Don’t hesitate to reach out and join a support group, which can provide you with a safe space to share your feelings and learn from others who are going through similar experiences or connect with a therapist. Are there others who can support you? Is there a neighbor who could come in for a couple of hours a day to be with her?
Please know that you are doing your best in a difficult situation. Be kind to yourself and cherish the moments of connection you still have with your mother. Though she may not recognize you as her son, your presence and love still bring comfort to her life.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.