Ask Miriam – January 2025
Dear Miriam,
I take care of my mother who has dementia. She was always a little eccentric, but in the last few years, it became clear that something was wrong. She refused to go to the doctor, and she doesn’t have an official diagnosis. I’ve read and talked to professionals, and the consensus is that she has dementia, likely mixed vascular and Alzheimer’s.
I’ve been managing everything pretty well, or so I thought, until I had her sisters and their families over for the holidays. They were awful to me and criticized everything I did, what I cooked, the way I talked to my mother, the clothes I put out for her, and how often I provided snacks, It was non-stop.
At one point, when my mom got confused and thought her husband (my stepfather, who died ten years ago) should be home from work already, I distracted her by having her help with making cookies.
Later that night, her older sister said in front of everyone that I am a terrible daughter who lies to her mother, and that really anyone else would do a much better job of caring for her. I am so fed up, I almost told her to take my mother home with her, even though I know that’s not what I want. I feel like my whole family just doesn’t understand. And I worked so hard to make a nice holiday. Now I am miserable, they don’t do anything to help, and I’m so alone. I don’t know what to do.
—At My Breaking Point
Dear Breaking Point,
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job taking care of your mom and that you are kind and sensitive about her needs. Caregiving for someone with dementia is challenging in so many different ways, but even more than that, families can have an enormous impact on the emotional toll it takes. In addition, while the holidays can be a time of love and joy, they can also be a time of increased stress for many people.
Your hurt and pain are completely understandable, as well as your sadness that your efforts and good intentions for the holiday were not realized. Perhaps your family members were critical because they lack knowledge about what dementia care looks like, but even if that is the case, your feelings are valid. You may want to consider having a conversation with one of them. Try to be honest and let them know how hurtful their words were. You might even choose to do this over email or text if that feels safer. They may or may not respond well, but their reaction will help you to decide if boundaries are needed when looking at how frequently you have contact with them.
Since caregiving can often lead to a sense of deep isolation, it is crucial to take care of yourself and reach out to others. Even if your family is not able to be present for you, it is important to create a network, whether that is friends, a support group, a therapist, or participating in activities, such as art, music, or sports, that can give your life greater meaning. Be kind to yourself. Talk about your feelings with those who care about you. Consider bringing some help into your home to care for your mom while you take a break. Doing these things will help you to stay balanced and whole, while continuing to care for your mom.
You are not alone. Alzheimer’s Los Angeles is here to help. For more information about coping with challenging family situations while caregiving, contact our Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.