Ask Miriam – February 2024
Dear Miriam,
I am the caregiver for my mother who is 69 years old and was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s two years ago. My dad died recently, so we made the decision that she should come live with my partner and me. We also have three teens who are still at home. I have not had the best relationship with my mother, mostly because when I was growing up, she expected me to take care of her instead of the other way around. I’ve learned to be less caught up in her neediness, but now that we live together, I can’t stand that she doesn’t pick up after herself. She leaves dishes, food, laundry, newspapers, and more lying around. I’m trying hard to remember she has a disease, but honestly, I think she just likes to act helpless. We’ve had many arguments where she denies that she makes a mess. I don’t know how to get through to her. I really think she does this on purpose, just like when I was younger.
—Trying Hard
Dear Trying Hard,
I’m glad you reached out. Caring for a family member with Alzheimer’s can be very challenging, and to try to care for someone who did not care well for you when you were young is even harder. It’s normal to have conflicting feelings, including anger, hurt, resentment, and loss, even as you may also want to do the best job possible as a caregiver.
While there may be personality traits that you are seeing in your mother now that seem to be an extension of who she was before the diagnosis, it’s not uncommon for those with Alzheimer’s to behave in ways that can look unkind, manipulative, or needy and as if they are acting that way on purpose. Changes in the brain, however, impact her memory and her ability to plan and carry out actions. Thus, poor short-term memory and confusion may cause her to forget to put food or laundry away. And this can be true, even if she used to neglect those very same things in the past!
When your mother does or says things that upset you, try to remind yourself that she has a brain disease that affects her ability to behave appropriately. When that happens, take a breath, and also please consider the following:
Pick your battles: While you can encourage your mother to retain as much independence as possible by providing reminders and being patient, sometimes it may simply be easiest to reassign the tasks that she is not completing. For example, perhaps one of your teens could do a five-minute cleanup after their grandmother once a day.
Try not to argue: I understand the instinct to try to convince your mother of what she should be doing differently, but it may be more helpful to go along with whatever she says, as long as it is not a safety issue. You can also try changing the topic of conversation or offering a distraction, such as a snack or a tv show she likes.
Get support for yourself: It can be emotionally draining to take care of someone with dementia. You may need a paid helper, a friend, or a relative to come into your home regularly to spend time with her and give you a break. Reach out to a support group or a therapist so that you can talk about the feelings that come up for you, both from the past and the present.
For more information about caregiving as an adult child, call the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259 or visit our support group page to find and adult child support group.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.