Ask Miriam – December 2022
Dear Miriam,
I am taking care of my wonderful aunt, who does not have any children of her own and was diagnosed with dementia a few months ago. I don’t have room in my home for her to come live here with me, but we talked it over and she agreed to move to an assisted living community. The problem is that every time I take her to visit one, she finds things wrong with it, and she will say, “no, not that one.” So, in theory, she will go, but in reality, she won’t choose one. I don’t know what to do. I check on her as much as I can, but I have a full-time job and two teenagers, so it is not as often as I would like. I’m so worried about her. Do you have any advice?
—Loving Niece
Dear Niece,
I’m so sorry to hear that your aunt has just recently been diagnosed. That can be hard for everyone in the family to cope with, and it sounds like you are working hard to do the right thing. Your aunt has a lot to adjust to, and it can feel overwhelming to make a big change like moving. There are a few possible reasons that she may be reluctant, even if she recognizes that it may be necessary.
For example, she may fear losing her independence. She may also be afraid of going somewhere unfamiliar and losing her routines (which become increasingly important to someone with dementia). She may be worried about finances. And, due to the changes in her brain, she may be having trouble with making decisions and planning.
Think about how you can address these possible concerns with her. Let her know that you (or someone else) will be available and happy to take her to the places she wants to go. Have a consultation with a money manager to ensure that her finances are being well managed. Reassure her that even though change is scary, you will do everything you can to help her adjust; she may even make new friends.
Lastly, if you are able to, you may want to consider hiring someone for now to visit your aunt on a regular basis, when you are not able to, to make sure that she is eating, bathing, dressing, and taking her medications. You can go to a few facilities by yourself or choose amongst the ones you have already seen. Sit down with your aunt when she is relaxed and show her the brochures for the two you think would be the best fit for her. That may simplify the choice for her, but if not, it is okay for you to make the decision yourself.
Loving and caring for someone with dementia can be difficult in many different ways, and I hope that you will also get some support for yourself. Talking to a friend or a therapist, joining a support group, or just taking time to do something that you enjoy are all options that can help you to cope.
For more information regarding care planning for someone with dementia, visit our Residential Care page, or call the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.