Ask Miriam – August 2023
Dear Miriam,
My mother, who is 87, was just recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. I live across the country from both her and my younger sister, who lives in the same town as my mother. I am feeling at a loss since I am not her caregiver, but I do visit several times a year and plan to start going back more frequently. One of the problems is that my sister and I have never been close. She has taken on all the responsibilities of doctor visits, upkeep of my mother’s house, the finances, and so on. Right now, she wants my mother to stay in her home and won’t consider other options, but it makes more sense to me if she were to move to an assisted living sooner rather than later when she can benefit from the socialization and activities. I think she is actually pretty lonely. I don’t want to fight with my sister, but I want my mother to get the best care. What should I do?
—Concerned Sibling
Dear Concerned,
I’m glad you reached out. Your mother is lucky to have two daughters who are committed to her wellbeing. It is not uncommon for family members to have different ideas about how best to care for their parent who has Alzheimer’s disease, and understandably that can lead to hard feelings or conflict.
There are some steps you can take to try to resolve your differences and reach a solution that works for your family. Keep in mind that there is no absolute right or wrong answer and you both want the best for your mother.
Arrange a time to sit down with your sister. This might be during a visit, or it can be over zoom, or the phone. Let your sister know that you want to hear her concerns, fears, and hopes for your mother’s care. Try to listen without judgement. After that, you can express your own thoughts. It can be helpful simply to know where the other person is coming from.
As you and your sister come up with a plan, you may want to seek professional advice, such as from your mother’s doctor, or a social worker experienced with families coping with dementia. Consider your mother’s wishes and values as you try to come to a decision. Include her in the process as much as possible. Flexibility and compromise are the key. If one of the concerns, for example, is that your mother is lonely, possibly an adult day program would address that need as well as an assisted living would.
Make sure to acknowledge your sister’s role as the primary caregiver and let her know you will support her. Perhaps you can manage the finances to alleviate some of the burden. Finally, if the two of you are unable to make progress, consider a mediator who can help you find common ground.
It can be painful and sad to see your mother go through the changes that Alzheimer’s brings. Going to a support group for adult children or talking to a friend can help. You are both doing the best that you can in a difficult situation.
For more information about how families can work together to provide care, contact the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.