Ask Miriam – April 2025
Dear Miriam,
I am concerned about my mom, who is living on her own right now, but was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year. The doctor has said that she needs more care. She is very independent, but I can tell her memory is getting worse. I fill her pill box for her every week, but when I’ve visited in between, I can see that there are leftover medications from previous days. Also, I have tried to hire a cleaning service for her, but she refuses to let them in. As a result, her house is a mess. I’ve spoken to her about moving; she could live with me, or with one of my sisters; however, she absolutely refuses to consider it. Her biggest objection is that she would have to find a new home for her 17-year-old cat. I know she is really attached, but my sister and I both have severe allergies, as does my son, so the cat wouldn’t be able to live with us. So far, the cat seems healthy, but at this age, he’s likely to experience health issues too. I feel like she is on the verge of being unsafe, and she won’t listen to us. We are really stuck.
—Stuck & Worried
Dear Stuck,
Your mom is lucky to have such caring children, and I know it can be a difficult situation when someone with dementia is unable to maintain their independence at the level that they are used to. Most people would prefer to stay in their own home, but looking at safety concerns is an important first step.
People with dementia are often resistant to changes. This often has to do with reasons such as relying on a familiar routines, fear of losing independence, and general confusion and loss of ability to reason.
When you are working on making a necessary change, the key is to be patient and creative as well as providing plenty of reassurance along the way. Instead of telling her simply that she is unsafe and must move, try explaining it as a temporary measure and come up with a reason which might make sense to her. For example, work needs to be done on the house, so she has to move out for a little while.
I do understand your mom’s attachment to her cat, and perhaps you can look at alternatives to moving in with you or your sister. If she can afford it, some assisted living or memory care facilities accept pets and ensure that they are cared for. The cat could also be re-homed with a friend or family member where your mom could continue to spend some time visiting with him. Finally, you may want to consider delaying moving your mom and, for now, bring a paid aide into the home instead. That person could oversee her medications and the care of the cat and house.
Try to remember that your mom’s resistance is part of the disease, and she is not doing it on purpose to frustrate you. Keep in mind that you are doing your best with a challenging situation. For more information about dementia and increasing levels of care, call the Alzheimer’s Los Angeles Helpline at 844-435-7259.
Best,
Miriam
Questions for Miriam can be sent to askmiriam@alzla.org.