Ask Miriam – August 2020
Dear Miriam,
My mother is taking care of my father, who has had dementia for the last six years. They live three miles away and I visit them several times a week and do all the shopping. They have been good about staying home during the pandemic and not going out. However, over the last couple of weeks, my mother has insisted on visiting several friends, despite my telling her that it is not safe. She won’t even wear a mask, and forget about social distancing! How do I get her to stay home? I feel like her own memory has been getting much worse over the past year, but she denies anything is wrong and she just seems so short-tempered lately. Help!
—Frustrated Daughter
Dear Frustrated,
I’m glad you are reaching out, and I understand your frustration. It is so hard when you can clearly see that someone you love is having difficulties, but they are either unwilling or unable to see it themselves . Generally, when someone is showing one of more signs of dementia, such as poor short-term memory, loss of judgement, or changes in personality, it is wise to have an assessment by the person’s physician. Call ahead and let the doctor know what your concerns are. There are a number of ways to get her to go to the doctor if you anticipate that she will be resistant. For example, it is not necessary to tell her that you are concerned about her memory specifically; the visit can be for a general check-up, or some other health issue that she may have, or possibly the doctor’s office can call and tell her that she is due for a medication refill or a blood pressure check. Know that there are a number of physical conditions that could be related to her behavior changes and which, unlike dementia, may be reversible, so it’s important to take this step.
Once the doctor has assessed her, and if it is determined that she has dementia, you and your family will need to start thinking about how to care for both your mother and your father. I know that sounds overwhelming. It is quite possible that you will not be able to convince your mother to stay home during the pandemic or that anything is wrong with the way she is thinking and responding. So while she may not be able to participate in a discussion about the future (she may refuse, or simply not have the insight to understand that changes need to be made), you may need to put in place additional supervision. Finances of course need to be considered, and there are a number of options which are still possible even during the coronavirus. Caregiving agencies have equipped their caregivers with personal protective equipment, and assisted living/memory care facilities are still accepting individuals after a period of quarantine to ensure that they are healthy. It’s important to think about getting some additional support for yourself, such as a caregiver support group, many of which are being held virtually now.
I encourage you to take things one day at a time, and to focus on your parents’ safety and wellbeing. Think about creating a network of support for yourself, which can definitely include Alzheimer’s Los Angeles. Our care counselors are always available to help with planning and figuring out how to deal with the challenges that caring for someone with dementia can bring. Call our Helpline at 844-435-7259. You don’t have to go through this alone.
Email your questions or concerns to Miriam at askmiriam@alzla.org .