Ask Miriam – July 2020
Dear Miriam,
I have been caring for my father at home for the last three months during the COVID-19 outbreak. It’s been hard on both of us to not have his regular caregiver coming in. But I was furloughed from my full-time job, so I have been able to help out. I’ve definitely seen a decline over the past few months, and he’s no longer able to bathe, shave, or dress himself. Plus, I do all the meals, housework, finances, and so on. It’s been pretty hectic for me. I have a sister and a brother who live less than an hour away, but they have their own families. And now, with the economy starting to re-open, my boss let me know that I have to come back to work in two weeks. My sister and brother insist I should quit and stay home to take care of my father, but honestly, I can’t wait to get back to my job. We have been fighting about this non-stop. What should I do?
—Fighting Sib
Dear Fighting Sib,
This has been such a difficult and life-changing time in our country, and it sounds like you really stepped up to the plate to take care of your father. Your role expanded enormously, and in a way that you may never have expected. Family conflict is never easy, even in the best of times. And it is often the case that siblings will disagree with one another about how best to care for a parent, especially one who has dementia.
There are several options, but every family resolves these issues in different ways. There is no ONE WAY that is the best way. First, have a meeting with your siblings and try to get everyone to set aside personal feelings. In stressful times, we sometimes fall back into the traditional roles we had as children. Focus the start of your conversation on your father’s specific needs, including those you listed and any others. Be comprehensive. If you would like help, Alzheimer’s LA social workers (our care counselors) can offer guidance. Once you make a list of his needs, your siblings and you can figure out who can meet these needs. Consider all the options, including you, another relative, a paid caregiver, a day care facility, if and when that is available. Be sure to explore the option of his living somewhere that can better meet his needs, such as a nursing home or assisted living. Make sure you fully understand all the options and explain the financial impact of each, including any financial and mental impact of you giving up your job. Each option has its own range of costs that needs to be considered.
If you decide it’s best for a family member to care for your father full-time, set up a contract outlining each family member’s role and make sure each sibling signs it. And, consider consulting an elder-law attorney to understand how to best protect your dad and each of you.
Each person in the family needs to be able to choose how much hands-on caregiving they can provide, including you. And each of you may choose to take on different responsibilities, according to your abilities and resources. Your siblings and you should also invite other family members who may be impacted by these decisions to provide some input. If your family is having a hard time with coming up with a plan, professionals are available to assist, including our care counselors, geriatric care managers, or family mediation specialists.
Our Helpline is available at 844-435-7259 for support and resources. Reach out to us. You don’t have to take this journey alone.
Email your questions or concerns to Miriam at askmiriam@alzla.org .