Ask Miriam – May 2020
Dear Miriam,
I am so worried about my mother-in-law. She has dementia and lived with my husband and me for a long time before moving to a nearby nursing home. We haven’t been able to visit for almost two months. Not seeing her has been hard on us, and we feel terrible that she may think that we abandoned her, not to mention our concern that she may get COVID-19. I am wondering if we should take her out and bring her back home now. She has been like a mother to me all these years. What should I do?
—Loving Daughter-in-Law
Dear Loving,
Of course, you’re worried about your mother-in-law during this time of the coronavirus pandemic. I understand how hard it must be not to see her and be with her. Being isolated and separated from our loved ones adds an extra dimension of stress right now. But bringing her home would pose other challenges too. Are you able to care for your mother-in-law adequately at home? Will this make it even more stressful for you? If COVID-19 is present at her facility, how can you ensure that she will not become sick when she is with you? There is no right answer, but all aspects of this need to be thought out before you make any decisions. Before you do anything, get the information you need. One thing that you can do is ensure that you are in communication with the staff and management at the facility where your mother-in-law resides. Ask the nurse manager how infection control is being handled. Also talk to them about how meals and activities are being provided to the patients each day. You can ask for as many details as will reassure to you that your loved one is safe. If you feel that she is safe, please consider keeping her where she is to avoid disruption to her life and yours.
You may want to make a care package that can be left at the front door. The care package can include things like pictures of the family, small handheld gadgets she can fiddle with, a jigsaw puzzle with just a small number of larger pieces, something for the bath, like gel or lotion, have the grandkids make a homemade card, a snack that she likes to eat, and a note that can be read aloud to her. Talk with the nurse manager about having a FaceTime or Skype visit using one of the staff member’s phones.
It may help to know that people with dementia may not be as aware of the passage of time as you are. So ,they may not realize how long it has been since you last came to visit. But know that your presence makes a difference, and you can still let your mother-in-law know that she is in your thoughts and that you love her.
For additional ideas and tips, please call our Helpline at 844-435-7259.