Ask Miriam – March 2020
Dear Miriam,
I am caring for my husband with dementia and am at the end of my rope. I’m so stressed by having to take care of everything all by myself. He is unable to be left alone, needs help with bathing and dressing, gets up at night, and often gets agitated. I am responsible for all the finances, housework, laundry, yard care, doctors and medications, three meals a day, and much, much more. My two children do not live close by and I don’t want to burden them. They have their own lives. But I’m exhausted and I don’t see how I can get through another week, let alone the years to come. How do other people manage?
—Completely Worn Out
Dear Worn,
Last month we talked about the first 5 items. Let’s look now at the next 5 items:
Talking to friends and family will help to keep you from becoming isolated. It‘is easy to become absorbed in the all-encompassing day-to-day tasks and with the person you are caring for. However, even if you’re not able to visit in person with friends and family, it’s important to maintain your connections to them.
Speaking of tasks, it can quickly become overwhelming if you feel that you are the only one doing everything. But there may be activities that you can get some help with, such as ordering groceries or medications by phone and having them delivered. Alternately, it might be helpful for another family member who is not doing the hands-on caregiving to take care of the bills. Or you can have someone come in periodically to do the cleaning. Think about what tasks you can let go of and let others help you with.
Regular breaks are so important… you need to have some downtime. If you’re able, consider hiring a homecare aide to stay with your family member for a few hours several times a week. Look into adult day programs in your area which provide socialization for the person with dementia and time for you to relax. Don’t forget that you need to make time to do something pleasurable for yourself, even just for a few minutes daily. This can be a craft, a show on TV that you like, or having lunch with a friend.
See your doctor on a regular basis, and if you have any health conditions, make sure that those are taken care of. Healthcare professionals are there to help you stay as healthy and strong as possible. Finally, it you are feeling sad, depressed, or angry on an ongoing basis, reach out to your doctor or a mental health professional. You won’t be able to provide the kind of care to the person you love if you don’t care for yourself first.