Ask Miriam – January 2020
Dear Miriam,
I have an aunt and uncle who live about 5 miles from me. I try to help a couple of times per week by providing meals and doing errands since neither drives anymore. My aunt was diagnosed with early-stage dementia two years ago and my uncle, who is still very sharp, has some physical health problems. So it is not easy for him to take care of her. We don’t know if it is safe for them to still be on their own or what we should do next. Please help!
—concerned niece
Dear Concerned Niece,
We commend you for your thoughtfulness and willingness to be helpful to your family members as they age. Your note touches on a critical concern: safety. When someone has dementia, their ability to make decisions, use good judgement, or have insight is impacted. Even when their need for hands-on care is minimal, supervision and oversight are still needed. So, it is helpful to assess what your uncle feels able and willing to take on given his physical limitations, without putting unnecessary stress on him.
You may want to consider some options that help him with providing supervision and care for his wife. Depending on her needs and his ability to meet them, as well as their financial situation, you can consider bringing a caregiver into the home, having your aunt attend a day care program, and/or potentially have one or both move somewhere they can get more care, such as assisted living. It is also important to talk to your uncle about legal issues. He can complete a Durable Power of Attorney which allows you to help ensure that healthcare and financial decisions can be made by you – or another person – in the event that he is not able to make them. A consultation with a legal or financial planner can help him better understand how much money is available to pay for the care options listed above.
Above all, remember that the person who is providing care – your uncle – needs regular breaks and support. Reassure him that it is okay to take care of himself and that help is available. His needs are just as important as his wife’s and he needs to take care of his own health too. Our care counselors are available to help you and your uncle map a plan for the journey ahead.
Best,
Miriam
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