Ask Miriam – December 2019
Dear Miriam,
My mom lives with me, and we’re having a big family get-together over the winter holiday. My two brothers and my sister from out of town will be there, along with their significant others and kids. My mom was diagnosed about a year ago. My siblings don’t really understand much about Alzheimer’s except that she forgets things. They don’t realize that she is often confused and angry. I’m worried about how I am going to deal with all the company and keep my mother calm at the same time.
—Worried
Dear Worried,
Families everywhere are stressing over the holidays; people often experience pressure to celebrate in very specific ways. There is also the pressure to “be happy” even though there may be preexisting tensions between family members or difficult dynamics. These stresses can intensify when someone has dementia.
One way you may want to approach the upcoming visit is to write a group email to your family members a few days before they arrive, preparing them for the changes in your mom. You can describe briefly how dementia affects her (maybe she gets nervous around children, or becomes argumentative when she is confused). You can assure them that this is a normal part of the disease process. It is also helpful to let them know specifically what they can do to make things easier for your mother; for example, not testing her memory (“Do you remember who I am? What’s my name?”) and providing an alternative (“Hi Grandma, I’m Helen, it’s so good to see you”).
These visits are a disruption to her regular routine so you might want to limit your mother’s time with the others and ensure that she has a room where where she can have quiet time and watch a favorite show or listen to music. It may also be a good idea to have a friend or family member designated in advance to keep her company and assess whether she is getting overwhelmed or upset. That way you can still attend to your guests but know that she is being cared for.
It’s important to remember that you don’t have to do everything you might have done in the past. Choose the holiday rituals that are most meaningful to you and let go of others that aren’t as significant. For example, perhaps you can bake only your mother’s favorite cookies for dessert, instead of three or four different pies and pastries. Decide what decorations you love and hang those without feeling like you must make the entire house festive. Think outside the box! You can even order part or all of the meal to be delivered.
Remember that family members who don’t see your mother very often may have a variety of feelings ranging from guilt that they aren’t there as much, sadness at seeing her decline, or even denial that there is anything wrong. Even though everyone in the family is together and it might seem like a good time to discuss your mother’s condition and increased needs, it may be better to address these issues after the holiday has passed.
Keep your expectations realistic, prepare in advance as much as you’re able, and then try to enjoy the day as best as possible. The holidays can still be a time of love and joy.
Best,
Miriam
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